


But our hearts beat louder

by berryblonde



Series: in our bones (on the balcony) [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Day 6, Fluff, Gav800 Week, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Pre-Relationship, i might makes these into a series who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 07:44:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15925964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryblonde/pseuds/berryblonde
Summary: “Connor, can I ask you a personal question?” There was a hint of amusements in his voice, the irony not lost on him and the choice of words deliberate.Gavin finds Connor standing on their shared balcony at three in the morning.





	But our hearts beat louder

**Author's Note:**

> i've actually written this quite a while back, but decided to rewrite and post it for Gav800 week! Hope you enjoy :)  
> the title is a line fom the song i was listening to while writing, because i'm cheesy like at that.

_12 th October 2039_

 

“Connor, can I ask you a personal question?” There was a hint of amusements in his voice, the irony not lost on him and the choice of words deliberate.

The android in question glanced up, though he didn’t turn around at the sound of the now oh so familiar voice, eyes staring straight into the night as a sense of déjà vu ran through him. The question was ringing in his ears, brining up memories of times he himself had used it, phrased it exactly the same way it was now directed at him, sometimes looking up at a hard-boiled Lieutenant that had yet to warm up to him, sometimes looking down at the man standing behind him with curious eyes, brown eyes never meeting gray ones despite it.

The distinct smell of cigarette smoke filled the air, a lighter clicked, someone exhaled deeply.

Connor immediately knew that the other was smoking again, feeling his own grip tighten around the balcony’s railing at the realization.

The urge to say something about it, tell him to stop it and lecture him about the health risks welled up in him, but Connor already knew it would be of no use.

Old habits seemed to die hard, and he wouldn’t be able to stand the other telling him that killing him faster was the exact point of his bad habit.

His knuckles started to turn white from the way he clutches his hands around the cold metal, illuminated only by the faint light of the moon.

A synthetic breath made its way over his lips, invisible in the cold air of the night, so unlike a human’s would have been.

“Connor?” The voice repeated, firmer and layered with concern this time, appearing closer than it had before.

Gavin looked at the android’s form expectantly, waiting for an answer as he stared at the other’s back, cigarette in his right hand.

Ever since Connor had moved out from Hank’s place and into the apartment next to Gavin’s a few months ago they had had a fair share of encounters on their joined balcony, some more positive than others.

Those random moments had slowly transformed into a habit, something neither of them had expected when they first ran into each other one afternoon, not long after Connor had moved to the apartment complex.

There had been a noise complaint from one of the neighbors that day, and Gavin’s knuckles had been bruised for a few days after he had slammed his into the wall of his bedroom, frustrated and angry and scared, feeling his privacy and only sanctuary threatened.

The memory was nothing he liked to think about.

Finding Connor out here at three a.m. was certainly unusual however. If anyone spent his nights out here it was usually Gavin, fleeing the almost claustrophobic confines of his apartment.

It wasn’t that he hated it, but sometimes he needed to get out, get away from the memories and thoughts and demons that tended to haunt him late at night when he was lying awake, unable to fall asleep.

Even from where he was standing Gavin could see that the android’s face was even paler than usual, worry striking through him at the sight. Something was bothering Connor, and Gavin couldn’t shake the feeling that he had just torn the other out of some sort of deep contemplation.

Silence lingered over them for a few more seconds, and Gavin debated whether or not he should try and address the android once more when Connor finally turned around to him, gaze full of both distaste and an incredibly fondness as looked at the other, looking at him intently.

Gavin was sure he was scanning him again, trying to figure out what had kept him awake at such late hours, what had driven him out of the comfort of his bed and bedroom.

He shook his head ever so slightly, trying to indicate he didn’t want to talk about his own demons tonight, not when he had come out here to find out what the figure standing on their balcony in the dead of the night had been up to.

Connor’s eyes shifted from Gavin’s face to the cigarette in the man’s hand, face displaying a look of obvious disagreement and Gavin knew all too well how much Connor was holding back at the moment, keeping himself from lecturing him about his bad habits. He was grateful for it.

He knew Connor only kept pestering him about it because he actually cared, no matter how hard it had been to believe at first. But the android always looked out for his friends and Gavin was happier than he would ever admit at the thought that the other actually considered him as such.

Not that they way there had been easy, no. But after their initial clash on the balcony, a lot of avoiding and sneering and passive aggressive shoulder bumping on Gavin’s part Tina had set him straight, sitting him down and telling him how he was just making things difficult for everyone, himself included.

Needless to say that she had been right, and after one or two nights of contemplating and thinking and regretting he had made the decision to at least try and make amends.

Their first conversation after that had been the hardest, painfully awkward and slow, full of fidgeting and avoiding the other’s face and trying hard not to fall back into old habits as he felt scared and threatened.

Expressing his feelings was something Gavin had never been good at, and he had only so much as hinted at the reasons behind his behavior. The topic was something that was better kept for another time, it wasn’t something he liked to talk about especially to someone he at that point had antagonized ever since meeting him, whom he barely knew and whom he had yet to even start trusting enough to reveal his innermost secrets.

To his utter surprise Connor had accepted his apology with a bright smile, and that had been the first time his heart had skipped a beat at the sight, with many more to come.

From then on, they had continued to meet in various places around the complex, not that it was unexpected seeing as they lived right next to each other. But their conversations had been surprisingly civil at first, soon turning pleasant and friendly and before he knew it, one had turned into ten into too many for Gavin to count and he had slowly but surely started to feel himself falling for the android in front of him, for his incredible smile and warm, brown eyes full of excitement and affection, for the way he wasn’t afraid to tease back when Gavin made a light jab at him, for the change he had bore witness to as Connor became more used to the experience of being human.

A part of him suspected, or maybe it was just his foolish hope he couldn’t seem to suppress, that Connor actually felt the same, the fondness the android held in his eyes right now making his heart beat just a bit faster.

Those little moments were all his idiotic brain seemed to need to cement his previous thought and hopes.

Despite that, he knew he wasn’t ready to talk about it, not when their friendship was still so fresh and vulnerable. He didn’t want to scare off the android by pushing him.

Gavin was well aware that Connor still had difficulties adjusting to emotions and human relationships and customs, and Gavin himself would probably never win an award for being good at dealing with his own feelings and other people for that matter. He didn’t want to frighten the other and possibly destroy whatever it was that had been building up between them by such an admission. For now, being friends was more than enough for him.

And now they were standing here at three in the morning, Connor’s soft, brown eyes having found their way back to Gavin's face, the two of them only faintly illuminated by the soft light of the moon.

Still waiting for an answer Gavin stepped forward and leaned his back against the railing, bringing the cigarette up to his mouth and inhaling deeply, feeling the smoke burn in his lungs before he blew a cloud of it into the air. Gray eyes watched intently as it dissolved into the cold air of the night.

Connor grimaced at the sight, head slowly turning back to let his gaze wander over the city lights, white and blue and pink and yellow and orange, bright and colorful against the black of the night sky.

Gavin almost hadn’t expected Connor to speak up when he did, head positioned in a way that made it impossible for him to see the android’s LED.

“Yes, you may.” His voice was quiet, hesitant, and if Gavin almost didn’t hear it.

He gulped. The question had been plaguing his mind for a while now, making him wonder more than once, and something about the atmosphere tonight seemed like it was finally the right time and place to ask.

“Why did you keep your LED?”

The question seemed to catch Connor off-guard, eyes widening in surprise and confusion as the words registered with him, clearly not having expected it.

“My… my LED? Why do you ask?”

“’m just curious. You know, after the damn revolution almost all other androids I’ve seen around took theirs out, you’re practically the only one I’ve seen still running around with that fucking thing. I guess I’m… I guess I’m just interested in your reason behind it.

And three a.m. is always a good time for weirdly deep questions, huh?” he attempted to joke, sincerely hoping he hadn’t overstepped some sort of unspoken boundary. Were they close enough yet that it was okay for him to ask such a thing?

“I… I’m not sure actually.” Connor replied after what felt like hours, even if it probably been no longer than a minute.

“I think… I think I just…” he looked so lost, and Gavin wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the android, to comfort him, to tell him it was okay if he didn’t know. Maybe bringing it up hadn’t been the best idea, not when Connor had likely been in a state of distress already.

“Change.” The word was muttered so quietly, barely audible that Gavin had almost missed it if he hadn’t been paying such close attention to the person next to him.

“Change?” Gavin repeated, slowly, never once taking his eyes off Connor as he took another drag from his cigarette, looking at him even as he turned his head to exhale a cloud of smoke into the night sky.

The other nodded, contemplating, never meeting Gavin’s Gaze.

“Despite the fact that I am CyberLife’s most advanced prototype, I don’t seem to be dealing well with the idea of change. The thought… scares me.” It seemed like it had taken him a lot to willpower to admit it, voice growing quieter as his sentence went on. Gavin had a feeling that that wasn’t all that was to it.

Before that, however, there was something else that he felt like it needed to be said.

“Connor, stop calling yourself that. Don’t fucking talk about yourself like you still belong to them, you’re not just the fucking “android sent by CyberLife” anymore. Don’t talk like you’re still nothing more than a machine and their fun little project.”

“I’m sorry, Gavin, I just… I think I find it easier to stick to prescripted protocols, especially in situations in which I am unsure as to how I should act.” He apologized, and Gavin had to fight the urge to grab him by the collar and slap some sense into the android.

“Don’t fucking apologize to me, dipshit, it’s not your fault you’re still not used to… to being human and shit. We’ve had decades to figure that shit out, you had what? Two years? Don’t fucking blame yourself.” He desperately wanted to sooth Connor, noticing his distress despite the fact that the other’s Led was hidden from his view, the curses and insult holding no real malice or anger, only a hint of frustration shining through his words.

The overwhelming need to grab the other’s hand, to hold it and draw circles with his thumb, rhythmically and calming overcame him, and he had to fight it down.

He resisted, knowing that Connor didn’t like being touched in situations like these, not without warning and his explicit wish for someone to do so. The android had explained it to him once before, voice still shaky and glitchy, telling him how his system had gone into overdrive, unable to process all the stimuli around him.

The processors and receptors on his skin were hyper-sensitive at times, especially when he was in any kind of distress, emotional one included. If Connor wanted to be hugged or touched, Gavin knew that he would make the first move and initiate the contact, had done so before.

Instead, he waited for Connor to speak up again, trying to give the android as much space with his thoughts as he possibly could.

“I think… I suppose that might be part of the issue as well.”

Gavin perked up, confused.

“What’s part of it?” he asked.

“You said it yourself, I don’t have a lot of experience with “being human”. Because… because I’m not.” Before Gavin could protest, telling him everything that rushed through his mind at the words, everything he had learned to accept as true over the last year or so, telling him that Connor was as human as the next person, a notion he would now fiercely defend if anyone tried to suggest otherwise, Connor shook his head.

“I know what you want to say, but we both know that while I am indeed a sentient being not unlike a human, I am not exactly that.

I… I know a lot of other androids have gotten rid of their LED to seem as human as possible, but… I don’t think I can or want to do that.

I don’t want to pretend I’m something that I’m not.”

At that point, Gavin wasn’t exactly sure whether Connor was speaking to him or talking to himself, eyes staring into the distance and voice soft and contemplating, almost as if the line of thought was as new for him as it was for Gavin.

The cigarette in his hand was almost burned down and he took one last drag before letting it drop onto the floor, exhaling the smoke that had burned his lungs as he crushed the stump below his heel, inwardly cursing himself just a second later, the ash clinging to the sole of his shoe.

He reached into his pocket, digging up another cigarette and lighting it, enjoying the feeling of smoke filling his lungs and the sight of the smoke dissolving in front of him.

“I’m not human, but I’m not a machine either, I know that much,” Connor continued, and Gavin leaned his head back, staring up at the few stars that could be seen tonight as he listened to Connor’s voice.

“But… what does that mean, then? What am I, if I’m not just my programming while also not being the same as you and Hank and everyone else?” He sounded deeply troubled, lost and desperate. Gavin expected him to go on, follow up on his question, answer it for the both of them.

The reply never came and Gavin took another drag from his cigarette, inhaling deeply, exhaling again before turning his head towards the figure next to him.

“You’re Connor,” he answered, and something in him was almost surprised as he spoke.

“You don’t have to be strictly this or that, it’s okay you if you don’t feel like you’re one or the other. You’re just Connor, and that’s fucking great.”

Suddenly, warm brown eyes met gray ones, a soft smile on those incredible lips. For a brief moment Gavin couldn’t help but wonder whether they were in fact as soft as they looked.

“Listen, I’m not gonna deny that you’re fucking strange sometimes, but all those little things make you, well, you in the end. And a lot of people like you, not despite all your weird little quirks, but because of them. Your old man does, obviously. That damn dog too. Tina and Chris and all the other Officers adore you, don’t even fucking try to deny it.

And… and I like you too, Connor, just the way you are.”

He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, and now it was his turn to avert his eyes. Sure, he had a lot more experience dealing with the fucked-up mess that human emotions were, still didn’t mean he was any good at it.

“Maybe… Maybe you’re right.” Connor whispered, stepping just a bit closer to Gavin.

“Of course I am, dipshit.” His trademark smirk was back, and to his delight he heard Connor let out a small laugh, soft, barely audible, but full of warmth and affection. A comfortable silence settled around them as they stood there, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

“What’s brought you out here anyways?” he decided to ask, gaze shifting back to Connor, not being able to contain his curiosity once more.

To his surprise, Connor blushed, a light baby blue. Gavin wouldn’t mind just looking at the sight in front of him for the rest of him life.

“That… I think that’s a conversation for another day, Detective.” The use of Gavin’s formal title felt almost like a fond nickname with the way Connor said it, and Gavin couldn’t have suppressed the smile that crept onto his lips even if had wanted to.

The look in Connor’s eyes was full of affection even if he tried his best to hide it but Gavin could see it nonetheless, clear as day.

He knew they weren’t ready for that conversation yet, and that was okay.

The two of them continued to stand there, looking at each other for a few more seconds, smiling, until Connor let out a shaky laugh.

“I think it’s time we both head back inside. You need to sleep, Detective, we both are supposed to work tomorrow. And coffee is not a substitute for a good night’s rest.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go. Same time tomorrow, down in the lobby?” he asked despite the fact that he already knew what the answer would be.

Connor nodded, beaming at him once more before his smiled dimmed down a bit, not any less genuine.

“Yes. Good night, De- Gavin.” With one last look at Gavin, a silent promise that they would continue their conversation another they, he stepped inside.

Gavin watched as Connor’s disappeared into the building, extinguishing his cigarette on the railing this time and throwing into the small trash can Connor had set up on the balcony.

“Good night, Connor,” Gavin whispered into the empty space of the balcony, the cold starting to cling to his skin now that the warmth Connor’s presence always evoked in him had left, the smile fading from his lips but never leaving his eyes even as he stepped inside of his own apartment.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to drop by and talk to me on tumblr [@unacceptable-bisexual](https://unacceptable-bisexual.tumblr.com)! <3


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